If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
