why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
