okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We need to get me chipped asap
She made me pour olive oil on her.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
