just survived the first fart of the relationship.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
