Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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