I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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