So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
