sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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