1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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