I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
What did we do last night that was yellow?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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