I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
