So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
