there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
