the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
