If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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