Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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