margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
