my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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