Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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