Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
