there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
