Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
