"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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