you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
