Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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