I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
