I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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