Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
