I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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