I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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