And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
