I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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