I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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