I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
