she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
