I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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