I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
