Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
