Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
