I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
