Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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