I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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