My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
