Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I woke up under a house in Key West
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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