I can't watch pbs sober anymore
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Are we still banned from the library?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
