There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I woke up under a house in Key West
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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