When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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