i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
