I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
