My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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