you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
