I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
